Tag Archives: OMG

Snow Bunny… I am not.

As you’ve probably noticed one of these images is not like the others. Our second ever annual snow trip to Mount Selwyn was somewhat tainted by my breaking bones falling off a big cold rock into a ravine, I may have been trying to take a picture while precariously perched and it would have been awesome, had I had time to press the shutter. Still a good time was had by most, and we’ll probably be back there in 2017, but this time I’ll be wearing snow cleats.

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Filed under Complaints Dept, Health

Time to mingle.

I decided to get out amongst the humans this week. I figured that working from home for this long can’t be good for me, I think I haven’t worn a skirt for around six months, haven’t needed to. My fashion sense has taken a nose dive, but then again have you seen fashion lately? I don’t think I’m doing that bad really. My people skills are dropping though, if I were to have an office job I’d have to stick a post it note on my desk where I can see it all the time that says: Don’t fart at your desk, you are not alone!

Side topic; when will this hideous left over from the eighties, with a hint of the awkward nineties, flouro pattern splooge fest end?! Us red heads are running out of things to wear! Yes I digress.

So anyways, I went out to meet some humans, having decided to volunteer my time to the gallery that will soon be showing some of my pictures (giggity). Yesterday was my first shift. Sure enough the phone rings at midday, and it’s the school. Insert your choice of annoyed looking emoticon here if you will. Of course it’s the school, it has to be the school, because children are born with this sixth sense that informs them when the mother is about to do something for her own wellbeing. A little alarm rings in the back of their mind ‘quick mum is about do something different, you need in on this’. So I make my excuses, leaving a great first impression on my first day and head to the school.

When the teacher called she mentions that she also needs to have a quick chat with me, and I think we all know how much every parent loves to hear that, am I right? Tells me our town cryer has been unwell today. Can you tell I’m not convinced? Back story, the small ones have discovered that all you have to do to get out of class is make the slightest mention you feel sick. The second those words are uttered a call is put into Mum, drop what you are doing parents the kid is totes dying.

I get there, and I have the chat. Turns out it was a surprisingly good one, for once there was nothing bad to report. Enter the sick bay, because the small dying one was not that sick he couldn’t wait while I had that brief parent teacher interview. He greets me and attempts to conceal a smile, he did not succeed. The average for one of these calls from the school is about once a fortnight, and you should hear how hard the teachers try to convince me it is legit. I take the boy by the hand as he skips out the school gate; “Are we going to the shops now?” ahhh no. Again feel free to add your choice of annoyed emoticon here.

Have you ever encountered this? That road block in the shape of a small child each time you attempt to return to some kind of semblance of your previous professional life? Or is just me that has a big faker in the house?

Of course I know this is what I signed up for when I resigned from my much loved job five years ago, and don’t get me wrong I love that I am able to be at home with the kids, and do all that needs doing for my high need charges. It is a super busy life that we lead, but that said, it is super busy and super boring. Mundane even, and I’m not the first one to say that about this parenting deal.

Mum is bored kids, and she needs to get out more. Trust me it is better for everyone ūüėČ
Anywho, onwards and upwards right guys? Next month people will be paying me to take their pictures, and so help me if the school calls, it had better be from the back of the ambulance.

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Filed under Changes, Complaints Dept, Rants & Stuff, The Kids

Over my shoulder…

The school run can be a frazzling experience with my crowd, and slightly insane. I decided to make a note of what goes down in my mummy van. It starts the second they get in.

Henry, “I’m a good master chef.”
Ok
Austin, “I want donut, we go shop” (this is not a request, it’s a statement). No
Austin, “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (crying) I want go shop now”
Charlie, “Yay let’s go shop! Donuts.”
Sorry no.
Henry, “Mummy did you see that I’m a good master chef? I didn’t hear a yes?” Yes
Henry, “mummy what’s master chef?”
A show about barristers that dream about being baristas Honey. Henry, “what’s a barista?”
The lady at shop who makes mummy her coffee.
Charlie, “mummy look at my keg”
Austin, “no no no leg”
Charlie, “Mummy look at my leg. It’s broken it needs a doctor. Doctordoctordoctor!” Your leg is not broken.
Charlie, “you look at my leg”
Georgie, “mummy did you have a pet contest at school? You have to put our fish in a container for me.” Uh huh. We’ll see.
Charlie, “I ate the cheese.”

Henry, “Mummy does Amy’s house have a front door?”
Yes
Henry, “is it red?”
I can’t remember.
Henry, “is it blue?”
I really don’t know.
Henry, after a pause. “Mummy is it brown?”
Yeah sure.
Charlie, “doctor doctor doctor doctor” (chanted like a siren)

Austin, “mummy how you do that?”
What?
Austin, “do that?”
Um. Like this.
Austin, “ok”
Charlie, “Doctor doctor doctor”
Georgie, “Mum how do you do the dugong?”
The what?
Georgie, “the dugong, like this!” I spy hands waving in the air in he rear view mirror. Yep like that.
Charlie, “go shop. Wah.” He actually said the word ‘wah’
Wah huh?
Charlie, “wah” with added smug grin.
Henry, “what does Jordons name start with?”
J
Henry, “you’re a liar it does not start with j!”
Ah here we go, the after school rage is coming out.
Don’t call mummy a liar. Do you know what liar means?
Henry, “you said a bad word! Don’t say that bad word to me!” What word as the bad word?
Henry, “That one! Can we have pudding?.”
I think you’ve had enough pudding. I mean, mummy doesn’t have pudding in the car.

Austin, “I want pudding” proceeds to bawl his eyes out.
Henry, “I didn’t hear a yes?”
Charlie, “pudding pudding pudding!” Again chanted like a siren. Sorry after dinner. No pudding in the car.
Georgie, “I’ll be good. Can I have pudding?”
Henry, “mummy did you eat the pudding?”
Austin, “A dogs doing a wee!” At least the tears have stopped. Henry “whys that dog doing a wee?”
He needed to.
Charlie, “I want to wee in the garden!”
Austin, “Mummy can I go toilet?”
No. Nearly home.
Charlie, “hey look at my wee wee”
Leave your pants on!
Austin, “can I go toilet?”
Do you really need to go?
Austin, “no”.
Georgie, “if I’m good can I have pudding while the boys are not allowed?” Ah no.
Henry, “me too.”
THERE IS NO PUDDING IN THE CAR. THERE MAY NOT EVEN BE PUDDING AT HOME. YOU LOT ARE NEGOTIATING FOR SOMETHING I DONT HAVE! Silence
All: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Georgie, “but I’ve been good.”
Sigh. Let’s go get pudding. I need some pudding.
Henry, “but I will get cold”
For the love of…

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Filed under Kids Say the Darndest Things, The Kids

Turns out, I’m not as clever as Macgyver.

EVERY now and then we should all take a little time out to think about things; to put aside the smart phone and look around.¬†Quite often this is something I don’t have time to do but recently the opportunity arose.¬†I found myself given a moment to stop and consider the big questions from my roof top after my four year old moved the ladder.

As I sat up there for a while sans phone or anything to throw on the neighbour‚Äôs roof, I thought of so many things I hadn’t had the chance to ponder before.¬†Things like how was I going to get down and what possible threat I could make that would bring the boy back with the ladder.¬†I wondered what happened to those negotiator skills I used to have and could I fashion some kind of abseiling kit from the television antenna cable?

I know MacGyver would be all over that. Then it hit me… ¬†click HERE to read the whole story.

The above is an excerpt from my column that you can find at the Goulburn Post.

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Filed under Complaints Dept, My Column, Rants & Stuff, The Kids

We have a new Dark Overlord.

I thought there was nothing a child could throw at me that I couldn’t take, if there is a mum that can probably take on anyone with combat training it’d be me. ¬†Oh yeah, I reckon I’m a hardcore mum. ¬†Crap on the carpet and vomit on the wall, plus dinner to get on the table and all at the same time, oh yeah I got this – totally all over it.

But then there was Charlie.

Our youngest is beginning to exhibit behaviour that leaves us wondering, if not somewhat nervous (and hiding the matches). ¬†We thought we’d seen it all, after all¬†Henry did once blow up our kitchen.

Charlie is adorable. ¬†Clearly this is all part of his cover. ¬†The signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention…¬†OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Take last summers holiday for instance, I had decided in my wisdom to take the six kids over the coast on my own (because I’m totally a combat mummy right?) the Hubster was going to come later when he was on days off. ¬† We arrive at the holiday house and Austin (the town crier) let the neighbourhood know he wanted a drink, I was about to remind him how to ask politely when I heard Charlie tell him “Don’t worry Austin I’ll get you a drink”. ¬†I wondered how Charlie would get it, since he is too little to reach a tap yet. ¬†So I decided to check. ¬†There he was cup in hand, his little willy in the other peeing in the cup and about to hand it too his brother to drink. HOW DID HE EVEN THINK OF THAT?! (I’m fairly sure we haven’t let him watch any Bear Grylls).

Part of me nearly didn’t stop him, and I hear you judging, but come on you can’t tell me isn’t there just a little part of you that is thinking it would be SO funny if he actually took a sip. ¬†I fought off the temptation to laugh my arse off at my child’s expense, and stopped the drink being handed over.

I now regard anything given to me by the small one with suspicion and a good sniff.

Little brothers, evil incarnate. ¬†They’ve sat and watched their elder siblings, and while they were still figuring stuff out and getting in trouble, little brothers are taking notice working out the loop holes.

And then there is Charlie… you never know when he’ll strike either. ¬†I took him to the loo at the shops recently, and on this day I had chosen to wear a skirt, a mistake I won’t make again.

Sharing a public toilet cubicle with a small child is always a bit interesting at the best of times, Mummy are you doing poos?! (He sticks head under the gap to look at your neighbour) Are they doing poos? Or they open the door while your pants are halfway down, being the helpful little people that they are.

On this day Charlie had done his thing and then I needed to do mine, and while he observed the proceedings he noticed I was wearing a skirt. ¬†Clearly in his mind this observation had to be made in the form of a public announcement “Mummy you ain’t got no pants on!” ¬†I hear a stifled giggle in the cubicle next to me and I explain loud enough so I could be heard by my neighbour “No honey, mummy has a skirt on and here are my pants SEE?!” ¬†Nope, not good enough for him “No, you ain’t got no pants on!” ¬†As I try to convince him otherwise, people in the toilets are just laughing out loud now, and I realise that at some point I’m going to have to go out there and face women who think I’ve gone shopping sans panties. ¬†Maybe I’m more of a commando mum than I thought?

So I wait until I think everyone is gone (“What are you doing mummy? Can we go now? What’s in that bin? Can I play with it?”) and sneak out, but oh no there had to be someone still at the sink. ¬†She laughed and said how funny little boys are, but I could tell she was checking me out for visible panty lines. ¬† I drag the boy out to his father who was waiting near the food court, and there was a brief lull in which Charlie decided was the best moment to tell his father “Mummy ain’t got no pants on!” ¬†Fifty heads turned simultaneously and looked at me (agog, food halfway to their faces), all of them clearly wondering if I had indeed gone shopping without pants. ¬†To which the Hubster responded, with a glimmer of surprise/hope in his eyes “Really?” ¬†Yeah sure Hun we’re how old now?!

It seems I have a challenge before me.

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Filed under Kids Say the Darndest Things, Moments, The Kids, Too Much Information