Tag Archives: Funny

Time to mingle.

I decided to get out amongst the humans this week. I figured that working from home for this long can’t be good for me, I think I haven’t worn a skirt for around six months, haven’t needed to. My fashion sense has taken a nose dive, but then again have you seen fashion lately? I don’t think I’m doing that bad really. My people skills are dropping though, if I were to have an office job I’d have to stick a post it note on my desk where I can see it all the time that says: Don’t fart at your desk, you are not alone!

Side topic; when will this hideous left over from the eighties, with a hint of the awkward nineties, flouro pattern splooge fest end?! Us red heads are running out of things to wear! Yes I digress.

So anyways, I went out to meet some humans, having decided to volunteer my time to the gallery that will soon be showing some of my pictures (giggity). Yesterday was my first shift. Sure enough the phone rings at midday, and it’s the school. Insert your choice of annoyed looking emoticon here if you will. Of course it’s the school, it has to be the school, because children are born with this sixth sense that informs them when the mother is about to do something for her own wellbeing. A little alarm rings in the back of their mind ‘quick mum is about do something different, you need in on this’. So I make my excuses, leaving a great first impression on my first day and head to the school.

When the teacher called she mentions that she also needs to have a quick chat with me, and I think we all know how much every parent loves to hear that, am I right? Tells me our town cryer has been unwell today. Can you tell I’m not convinced? Back story, the small ones have discovered that all you have to do to get out of class is make the slightest mention you feel sick. The second those words are uttered a call is put into Mum, drop what you are doing parents the kid is totes dying.

I get there, and I have the chat. Turns out it was a surprisingly good one, for once there was nothing bad to report. Enter the sick bay, because the small dying one was not that sick he couldn’t wait while I had that brief parent teacher interview. He greets me and attempts to conceal a smile, he did not succeed. The average for one of these calls from the school is about once a fortnight, and you should hear how hard the teachers try to convince me it is legit. I take the boy by the hand as he skips out the school gate; “Are we going to the shops now?” ahhh no. Again feel free to add your choice of annoyed emoticon here.

Have you ever encountered this? That road block in the shape of a small child each time you attempt to return to some kind of semblance of your previous professional life? Or is just me that has a big faker in the house?

Of course I know this is what I signed up for when I resigned from my much loved job five years ago, and don’t get me wrong I love that I am able to be at home with the kids, and do all that needs doing for my high need charges. It is a super busy life that we lead, but that said, it is super busy and super boring. Mundane even, and I’m not the first one to say that about this parenting deal.

Mum is bored kids, and she needs to get out more. Trust me it is better for everyone 😉
Anywho, onwards and upwards right guys? Next month people will be paying me to take their pictures, and so help me if the school calls, it had better be from the back of the ambulance.


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Filed under Changes, Complaints Dept, Rants & Stuff, The Kids

Over my shoulder…

The school run can be a frazzling experience with my crowd, and slightly insane. I decided to make a note of what goes down in my mummy van. It starts the second they get in.

Henry, “I’m a good master chef.”
Austin, “I want donut, we go shop” (this is not a request, it’s a statement). No
Austin, “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (crying) I want go shop now”
Charlie, “Yay let’s go shop! Donuts.”
Sorry no.
Henry, “Mummy did you see that I’m a good master chef? I didn’t hear a yes?” Yes
Henry, “mummy what’s master chef?”
A show about barristers that dream about being baristas Honey. Henry, “what’s a barista?”
The lady at shop who makes mummy her coffee.
Charlie, “mummy look at my keg”
Austin, “no no no leg”
Charlie, “Mummy look at my leg. It’s broken it needs a doctor. Doctordoctordoctor!” Your leg is not broken.
Charlie, “you look at my leg”
Georgie, “mummy did you have a pet contest at school? You have to put our fish in a container for me.” Uh huh. We’ll see.
Charlie, “I ate the cheese.”

Henry, “Mummy does Amy’s house have a front door?”
Henry, “is it red?”
I can’t remember.
Henry, “is it blue?”
I really don’t know.
Henry, after a pause. “Mummy is it brown?”
Yeah sure.
Charlie, “doctor doctor doctor doctor” (chanted like a siren)

Austin, “mummy how you do that?”
Austin, “do that?”
Um. Like this.
Austin, “ok”
Charlie, “Doctor doctor doctor”
Georgie, “Mum how do you do the dugong?”
The what?
Georgie, “the dugong, like this!” I spy hands waving in the air in he rear view mirror. Yep like that.
Charlie, “go shop. Wah.” He actually said the word ‘wah’
Wah huh?
Charlie, “wah” with added smug grin.
Henry, “what does Jordons name start with?”
Henry, “you’re a liar it does not start with j!”
Ah here we go, the after school rage is coming out.
Don’t call mummy a liar. Do you know what liar means?
Henry, “you said a bad word! Don’t say that bad word to me!” What word as the bad word?
Henry, “That one! Can we have pudding?.”
I think you’ve had enough pudding. I mean, mummy doesn’t have pudding in the car.

Austin, “I want pudding” proceeds to bawl his eyes out.
Henry, “I didn’t hear a yes?”
Charlie, “pudding pudding pudding!” Again chanted like a siren. Sorry after dinner. No pudding in the car.
Georgie, “I’ll be good. Can I have pudding?”
Henry, “mummy did you eat the pudding?”
Austin, “A dogs doing a wee!” At least the tears have stopped. Henry “whys that dog doing a wee?”
He needed to.
Charlie, “I want to wee in the garden!”
Austin, “Mummy can I go toilet?”
No. Nearly home.
Charlie, “hey look at my wee wee”
Leave your pants on!
Austin, “can I go toilet?”
Do you really need to go?
Austin, “no”.
Georgie, “if I’m good can I have pudding while the boys are not allowed?” Ah no.
Henry, “me too.”
All: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Georgie, “but I’ve been good.”
Sigh. Let’s go get pudding. I need some pudding.
Henry, “but I will get cold”
For the love of…

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Filed under Kids Say the Darndest Things, The Kids

We have a new Dark Overlord.

I thought there was nothing a child could throw at me that I couldn’t take, if there is a mum that can probably take on anyone with combat training it’d be me.  Oh yeah, I reckon I’m a hardcore mum.  Crap on the carpet and vomit on the wall, plus dinner to get on the table and all at the same time, oh yeah I got this – totally all over it.

But then there was Charlie.

Our youngest is beginning to exhibit behaviour that leaves us wondering, if not somewhat nervous (and hiding the matches).  We thought we’d seen it all, after all Henry did once blow up our kitchen.

Charlie is adorable.  Clearly this is all part of his cover.  The signs were there, I just didn’t pay attention… OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Take last summers holiday for instance, I had decided in my wisdom to take the six kids over the coast on my own (because I’m totally a combat mummy right?) the Hubster was going to come later when he was on days off.   We arrive at the holiday house and Austin (the town crier) let the neighbourhood know he wanted a drink, I was about to remind him how to ask politely when I heard Charlie tell him “Don’t worry Austin I’ll get you a drink”.  I wondered how Charlie would get it, since he is too little to reach a tap yet.  So I decided to check.  There he was cup in hand, his little willy in the other peeing in the cup and about to hand it too his brother to drink. HOW DID HE EVEN THINK OF THAT?! (I’m fairly sure we haven’t let him watch any Bear Grylls).

Part of me nearly didn’t stop him, and I hear you judging, but come on you can’t tell me isn’t there just a little part of you that is thinking it would be SO funny if he actually took a sip.  I fought off the temptation to laugh my arse off at my child’s expense, and stopped the drink being handed over.

I now regard anything given to me by the small one with suspicion and a good sniff.

Little brothers, evil incarnate.  They’ve sat and watched their elder siblings, and while they were still figuring stuff out and getting in trouble, little brothers are taking notice working out the loop holes.

And then there is Charlie… you never know when he’ll strike either.  I took him to the loo at the shops recently, and on this day I had chosen to wear a skirt, a mistake I won’t make again.

Sharing a public toilet cubicle with a small child is always a bit interesting at the best of times, Mummy are you doing poos?! (He sticks head under the gap to look at your neighbour) Are they doing poos? Or they open the door while your pants are halfway down, being the helpful little people that they are.

On this day Charlie had done his thing and then I needed to do mine, and while he observed the proceedings he noticed I was wearing a skirt.  Clearly in his mind this observation had to be made in the form of a public announcement “Mummy you ain’t got no pants on!”  I hear a stifled giggle in the cubicle next to me and I explain loud enough so I could be heard by my neighbour “No honey, mummy has a skirt on and here are my pants SEE?!”  Nope, not good enough for him “No, you ain’t got no pants on!”  As I try to convince him otherwise, people in the toilets are just laughing out loud now, and I realise that at some point I’m going to have to go out there and face women who think I’ve gone shopping sans panties.  Maybe I’m more of a commando mum than I thought?

So I wait until I think everyone is gone (“What are you doing mummy? Can we go now? What’s in that bin? Can I play with it?”) and sneak out, but oh no there had to be someone still at the sink.  She laughed and said how funny little boys are, but I could tell she was checking me out for visible panty lines.   I drag the boy out to his father who was waiting near the food court, and there was a brief lull in which Charlie decided was the best moment to tell his father “Mummy ain’t got no pants on!”  Fifty heads turned simultaneously and looked at me (agog, food halfway to their faces), all of them clearly wondering if I had indeed gone shopping without pants.  To which the Hubster responded, with a glimmer of surprise/hope in his eyes “Really?”  Yeah sure Hun we’re how old now?!

It seems I have a challenge before me.


Filed under Kids Say the Darndest Things, Moments, The Kids, Too Much Information


I was having one of those mornings, when pushing my buttons is pretty easy.  It’s as if my button is a gigantic bright red one with do not push written all over it, and so what is the first thing you want to do?  PUSH IT!  I decided to use today as a writing day, because I just don’t get to anymore.  Things didn’t quite go to plan, I didn’t get to write what I was supposed to write, but I do have a tale to tell.

By the end of this post I will probably end up curling up in a ball rocking back and forth, but I’ll give it a shot. I have to write something today! I decided to start the day off with a bit of fun for the kids, the idea was to get them tired so that they’d leave me alone.  I took them, on my own (yes all six of them), to the local spring festival.  Usually I’ve got this shit, or so I thought.

I should’ve seen the warning signs when the first tantrum started from the four year old (Mr ‘cry because it gets me things at school‘), because I dared to stop and look at a market stall, we’d only just arrived and already it was on.  We skip the stalls and go and spend the necessary half hour on the play equipment, while they play I spend the time perfecting my apology statements to the parents of other children that may have experienced the wrath of my minions.  Eventually I run out of ideas and we move on to the gates of hell; sideshow alley.  Barely getting past the show bag stand with my wallet intact, and only doing so by distracting the smaller children as we passed.   With faces all painted like cats, we are almost out the other side and on the home straight, when they see it.  The inflatable alter at which all children come to weep, worship and bounce.  The jumping castle.

This ought to round things off nicely I thought. Idiot.

Only little ones were allowed on the castle, however my big thirteen year old autie boy still thinks he is little, and was already taking off his shoes to go on.  The lovely bloke running the ride said to me that he could go on, saying he looks like a gentle giant and shouted him a free go.  Regrets….. I have a few….. Can you hear that song? I can.

On they go, Miss 12 and Mr ‘cry because it gets me things at school‘ decided to sit this one out.    As soon as his bottom touched the ground the tears began to fall for the bazillionth time that day, he wanted a lollypop.  Bawling as if I’d branded him and wanting something that I didn’t have either, so I did my best to settle him down.  While I was doing this Autie boy decided to let everyone know just how much he was enjoying the jumping castle, by stripping naked.  Yes you read that right, in front of around 20 people he gets his kit off, and puberty is not being kind to him at the moment.  ALL KINDS OF AWKWARD.

I launch myself into the castle and grab him his clothes and his siblings and drag them out and behind it, throwing my apologies in every direction as I went.  Miss 12 goes into damage control mode, which she has sadly gotten very good at and rounds up all our remaining gear and waits.  Close enough if I need her, but not close enough for people to be sure she is with us.  I wouldn’t come near us either if I was her, geez we’re embarrassing.

Autie boy clothed and shod, I attempt to leave.  That’s when I find Mr 3 standing in the tulips pulling them out, and Mr 4 sitting on a picnic blanket of a strange family eating their food.

And that my friends is the moment I pushed my own big red button.

Tantrum time!

Tantrum time!

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Filed under Complaints Dept, Moments, Rants & Stuff, The Kids, Too Much Information

Today only, an AMAZING deal!

Dear Drivers, I’d like to introduce you to a nifty little gadget.  It’s a one of a kind, why didn’t anyone think of it before sort of invention that makes you wonder how you ever did without it before.

This innovation can save you hundreds or even thousands off your next smash repair bill, because the use of this fabulous little device can help you avoid a smash altogether. But what’s that I hear you say? You have so many buttons to push in your car already, you just don’t know how on earth you could coordinate using another one?  Well I have exciting news for you, this device can be operated with just your pinkie! How effortless is that.I know what your thinking.  Where can I obtain such a marvelous device? And just too excite you even more, for today only you can get two for the price of one.  That’s right, one for the left and right side of your vehicle, and it can be fitted to any kind of vehicle.

But hold your horses, and put down that phone, because you’re not going to believe what I’m going to tell you next.  If you have a vehicle then chances are you already own this amazing invention and didn’t know it!  Head out to your car and hop in the drivers seat and take a look behind the steering wheel, can you see two levers (I know! Where on earth did they come from?! The sales guy never mentioned those things! Maybe they appeared in the last software update?) Push the lever down and you’ll see a flashing light on the dash (it’s ok it is supposed to do that) now hop out and check out the front and back of the car.  How awesome are those matching flashing lights?  Those lights are called indicators and let everyone know where you are going, and it is the done thing to use them when going around corners.

Right now indicators are totally on trend, and now that you’ve got your own fabulous flashing indicators you’ll be on your way in up to date style.  Tell your friends, because everyone will want to know where you found yours.

Still not convinced? Then check out this amazing indicator action below, totally pimps my ride don’tcha think? And I just love to be seen accessorising 😉

Flashing fantastic!


Filed under Complaints Dept, Rants & Stuff