Children in my opinion were put upon this earth to embarrass their parents. I was thinking about things that have happened, that made me blush with embarrassment and/or shame. OMG there has been so many – and they’re probably blog worthy 😉 So I thought I’d share carnage that my little bastar… babies have put me through. Here is your ‘too much information’ warning, step away from the computer should fart stories make you cringe. But then if you’re anything like me you’re just going to keep reading…. teehee farts….
You know what they say, that it could be your purpose in life to serve as a warning to others 😉
So this one time at band camp……
After having babies I get erm, gassy for a couple of weeks. And a short time after having a baby I had to collect Georgie to preschool. At the time Georgie still needed help getting in and out of the car, and she is – how should I put this – slightly rotund. So anyway I am parked next to the local Salvo captain who was sitting in his car on his phone, his teenage daughter in the passenger seat, windows down. I walk up to the side of my bus and lift Georgie up to put her in, and well – yeah you guessed it – I ripped off the biggest cheek slapper ever. Noice. The captain was still on the phone, but his daughter helpfully said “Hey dad did you hear that!” I drove off rather quickly I can tell you. I have to admit I was pissing myself laughing as I drove, till a little question came from the back seat “Mummy what are you laughing at?”
Always check your loo before guests arrive. I had a mechanic at our place working on husband’s car, around the middle of the day the mechanic pops his head in the back door and asks to use the toilet. That’s fine, or so I thought. Minutes later the guy comes out and tells me that there is a bit of a problem with the toilet so he couldn’t flush it (insert raised eyebrow face here). So I go check it out and there at the bottom of the toilet is a matchbox car sitting atop a toddler sized nugget of poo, b.e.a.utiful. But oh it gets worse, the mechanic had pee’d in the loo as well. Had to go out and buy new tongs to replace the ones I had to turf after cleaning up that mess. I think I came up with some new swear words that day.
Don’t forget to batten down the hatches when you are naked. I always get myself dressed last in the mornings. If I do it before I’ve got all the kids done then I WILL end up with something stuck to me somewhere. Anyway due to a couple of my children’s insane need to be complete and total demons while I do anything out of their line of sight, I find that I have to make sure the house doors are key locked before I shower or whatever. One particularly late running morning I must have forgotten to lock the door before I hit the shower. I finish up and step out of the shower cubicle to hear the sounds of Thomas running around outside squealing. I am naked, soaking wet and freezing. I grab the first piece of clothing I see which was husbands t-shirt, pull it on and run down the hall. I pass five children watching cartoons, they helpfully point out that Thomas is outside. Really kids? Did I mention our backyard was five acres large? That’s a lot of ground the kid has to make off in. So there I am, wet, cold, with big t-shirt stuck to me, sprinting across the paddock to wrangle my crazy boy back into the house. Our neighbour see’s the shenanigans and pulls up next to the fence to enquire if I was alright, I mutter a quick yes and goodbye thanks and try to get my cold naked ass back up to my house, before they realise that my ass is indeed cold naked and wet. Sadly this is not the first time something like this has happened.
Your children will make you shop lift. Unintentionally that is. Thomas (again) did a runner while out with me from a shop, in my arms I had a loaf of bread and a bag of apples, this was forgotten as I chased after him out into the car park. So shitty was I, that I dragged him to the car, threw him and my arm load of food into the back seat and drove home muttering obscenities to myself. When I get home I realise that I’d accidentally nicked the bread and apples in my rage. Bugger. Hope no one saw me, it is very hard to be anonymous in this town. Oh how right I was. Next visit to the store I was asked how Tom was today and did I want to pay for my bread and apples now? My mouth operated automatically (thank god) and said: “Oh yes of course I was just going to mention that, I was very worried about that”, my brain however was shouting “OH SHIT, Oh my god, Oh Shit, Oh my god, how friggen embarrassing, can the earth open up and swallow me whole now?!”.
Mothers do the darndest things.
Feel free to add your own calamity 🙂