I don’t tend to go to play groups or mothers groups that often – most of the time this is because I just can’t squeeze it into my already packed days – but there is another reason I don’t frequent these groups. Some mummies scare me.
And I don’t think I am alone here. But there are certain types of mummies who make me feel as if I have to behave differently to who I am, those of you who know me personally will know that this is a MASSIVE stretch for me. There are mummies at these groups that are so freaking mumsie you feel compelled to keep up! You know the kind, the Mum that turn up with hair that is done, clothes without spew on them and most annoyingly of all shaved legs.
You have to play nice, look nice and most of all BE nice. I can’t keep that up!? Especially not for a whole two-hour play group, the real Candy eventually makes her way out.
But for my kids I venture out when I can, and I make big a big effort to be seen caring about every little thing my minions have to show me “Look Mummy Look, play dough boogers!” – Yes, yes lovely darling, you are so creative!
But it’s not just the ‘I have both legs shaved above the knees too’ type mummies that spook me from the play group, there are other breeds among them.
The two that get to me the most is ‘Pissing Contest Mum’ and ‘Baggage Baby Mum’.
The Pissing Contest Mum always has to go one better. She can’t help it, it is just something in her makeup that takes over as soon as she engages in conversation. She isn’t listening to anything you have to say, she is just waiting for you to stop talking so she can go one better. Every play group seems to have at least two of these Mums, sometimes if you are lucky they find each other and will spend the whole play group have a pissing contest duel out leaving the rest of you to your lattes. The Pissing Contest Mum will however teach you a big lesson in self-control, as you suppress the urge to choke her the next time she ‘one ups’ your casual passing comment to her about the colour of her babies eyes “Yes her are blue now, but you should have seen them last week they were green! And my older childs eyes changed colours three times before he was five!”
But the mum who seems to suck the most life out of me is the Baggage Baby Mum. She’ll be the one that has an only child and the baby bag the size of a small suitcase, packed with everything you need for all eventualities, but will have forgotten babies pacifier. It has taken her two hours to get out the house that morning, and she only lives next door to the play group. She will drive to the group, spend 20 minute unfolding her Bugaboo stroller and a further 10 minutes strapping baby into it and clipping on every toy and accessory the kid ‘needs’ to travel with. Never ask this Mum how she is, because something I’ve noticed about these Mums with all the luggage is that their babies are baggage too – asking her how she or the baby is means that you will spend the next two hours listening to how much trouble she is having with bubs routine, the mother in law, the babies car seat in the new Lexus, feeding baby,and the colour of her baby’s poo. All this discussed over cake and coffee, nice. I find this kind of Mum such hard work to smile at and listen to, simply because I have my own baggage baby now shut up and listen to me whine for a minute will ya!