I don’t need your Baggage Baby!

I don’t tend to go to play groups or mothers groups that often – most of the time this is because I just can’t squeeze it into my already packed days – but there is another reason I don’t frequent these groups.  Some mummies scare me. 

And I don’t think I am alone here.  But there are certain types of mummies who make me feel as if I have to behave differently to who I am, those of you who know me personally will know that this is a MASSIVE stretch for me.  There are mummies at these groups that are so freaking mumsie you feel compelled to keep up!    You know the kind, the Mum that turn up with hair that is done, clothes without spew on them and most annoyingly of all shaved legs. 

You have to play nice, look nice and most of all BE nice.  I can’t keep that up!?  Especially not for a whole two-hour play group, the real Candy eventually makes her way out. 

But for my kids I venture out when I can, and I make big a big effort to be seen caring about every little thing my minions have to show me “Look Mummy Look, play dough boogers!” – Yes, yes lovely darling, you are so creative! 

But it’s not just the ‘I have both legs shaved above the knees too’ type mummies that spook me from the play group, there are other breeds among them.

The two that get to me the most is ‘Pissing Contest Mum’ and ‘Baggage Baby Mum’.

The Pissing Contest Mum always has to go one better.  She can’t help it, it is just something in her makeup that takes over as soon as she engages in conversation.  She isn’t listening to anything you have to say, she is just waiting for you to stop talking so she can go one better.   Every play group seems to have at least two of these Mums, sometimes if you are lucky they find each other and will spend the whole play group have a pissing contest duel out leaving the rest of you to your lattes.  The Pissing Contest Mum will however teach you a big lesson in self-control, as you suppress the urge to choke her the next time she ‘one ups’ your casual passing comment to her about the colour of her babies eyes “Yes her are blue now, but you should have seen them last week they were green! And my older childs eyes changed colours three times before he was five!”

But the mum who seems to suck the most life out of me is the Baggage Baby Mum. She’ll be the one that has an only child and the baby bag the size of a small suitcase, packed with everything you need for all eventualities, but will have forgotten babies pacifier.  It has taken her two hours to get out the house that morning, and she only lives next door to the play group.  She will drive to the group, spend 20 minute unfolding her Bugaboo stroller and a further 10 minutes strapping baby into it and clipping on every toy and accessory the kid ‘needs’ to travel with.  Never ask this Mum how she is, because something I’ve noticed about these Mums with all the luggage is that their babies are baggage too – asking her how she or the baby is means that you will spend the next two hours listening to how much trouble she is having with bubs routine, the mother in law, the babies car seat in the new Lexus, feeding  baby,and the colour of her baby’s poo.  All this discussed over cake and coffee, nice.  I find this kind of Mum such hard work to smile at and listen to, simply because I have my own baggage baby now shut up and listen to me whine for a minute will ya!


Filed under Babies, Rants & Stuff

17 Responses to I don’t need your Baggage Baby!

  1. Meg

    Candy I could not agree with you more. This is what turned me off playgroups too! So glad I am not alone 🙂

  2. rachael

    am having a shit day and this made me laugh soo much my sides are aching
    btw Snap the baggage mums…
    and oh god how i would love to say suck it up princess to them
    or have a teaspoon of cement and harden the fuck up
    and btw good luck managing the teen years if you whinging about your single childs poo,
    i believe that perhaps my children have made me cynical
    or maybe i can be kind to my self and say it is wisdom

  3. Alaksuleiel

    Hahahahaha so true! I am day rep for my playgroup next year, fun times 😉

  4. Lisa Abejja

    well said *claps hands*

    They piss me off too!

    There’s an opposite that annoys me ! it’s when their bsby is worse than yours in sleeping, eating, routines etc…. said to make you pity and fawn over her lol

  5. Jo Bailey

    Love it! I know someone just like The Pissing Contest Mum, and she drives me insane!

  6. Ali

    Couldn’t have said it better!
    Luckily we made it through to 2 year mark with our mothers group nicely segmented! there a 3 defined groups in out playgroup too, and I am proud to be in the can’t get it right and most of the time can’t give a crap group!

  7. Candy OH MY GOSH you are me LOL, I couldn’t of put the stuff in the post any better………I am so not a Mothers group Mumma……..LOL

  8. lou

    lol candy i always feel like such a bogan around most people because i have visible tattoos, facial piercings, long messy hair and i’m usually in my cammo shorts and thongs. I also swear an average of once a minute and billie wears a lot of black hehe. I guess my problem is i’m worried that people are going to look at me and not take me seriously as a mum. I have a huge self confidence problem, stemming from high school and a shitty arsehole of an ex, which doesn’t make me comfortable in a group of mums i don’t know well. Also cause i’m so blase about parenting – billie’s already tried peanut butter, choc cake, she bangs her head and i know she’s going to get over it etc I know some mum’s think i’m slack. But i’m not! 🙂

  9. Rofl

    I am so over those situations. For Heidi prep transition I decided to be me up front and wore my Alice in Wonderland ‘we’re all quite mad here, you’ll fit right in tshirt. Worked a treat.

  10. Pam E

    Lol love it 😀 I am a newbie to this mother’s group thing – I do one on Tuesdays which I am very much enjoying, one for new parents on Thursdays and I’ve also made it to an ABA meeting – decided to spread my net wide in hopes that with 3 groups I will find some like-minded gals. Have met a couple of lovely girls who are on my kinda wavelength, it is nice to develop new friendships, especially as we are still relatively new in town (one year this week but you’re still “new” here once you’ve been here 20 years lol). Learning which mamas I don’t really wanna sit next to as well – like the one who does nothing but go and and ON about how her baby weigh more than all the others even tho 5 weeks younger….or the one who insisted Maya should be trying a dummy (in all the wisdom her 6 full weeks of motherhood had bestowed upon her…). I think this is one area where being an “older” mum has it’s advantages – more confidence, easier to take things with a pinch of salt, less easily swayed / intimiated…some mamas are still sooo bloody annoying tho lol. I look forward to my future adventures in the world of Mothers Groups 😀
    I enjoy your blog Candy, your honesty is refreshing,

  11. Kim

    You and I would probably have hit it off at mother’s group. I think I went to one, once, and never went back, for all the above reasons!

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  13. LOVE this. Bloody hilarious. If only there was a way to start an underground mother’s group with you at the helm.

  14. I am so scared of the Pissing Contest Mums. I don’t have the energy for a competition, and Bumpington isn’t even born yet! Thanks for the laugh.

  15. LOL You forgot the Mum with the perfect child, you know the one whose child has always slept through the night, never had any kind of eating issues, never had a tantrum and so on……..

    LOL great post 🙂

  16. Tat

    I’ve been lucky with both my mothers’ group and my playgroup. But I’ve heard some great stories from other people. My sister in law was really worried that her daughter wasn’t sleeping through at 5 months when all other babies in her mothers’ group were. Really?

  17. What I found with some playground is like I’m new right… and NO ONE would talk to me or anything… I went. Sat on the floor with my child… and left… I never went back to that one again but found the same at another place… I’m like: Is this some sort of club going on that I can’t go to? BUT, I have found some wonderful groups where everyone is welcoming. It’s not all bad. But it can be sometimes.

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