What is my problem?

You’ve probably noticed the lack of writing from me lately, things have been insane recently.  What with there being a crowd of children around here, three with autism and one deciding to have a couple of seizures, and so much other crap, I haven’t really been able to focus.  Then again usually those sort of shenanigans don’t usually stop me spewing words onto a page 😉  It’s just that I have a problem.  I think I’m having some sort of identity crisis? (for want of a better term for it).

Recently I have been having a big problem with the whole stay at home mum thang, for reasons I just can’t really nail down to a solid point.  It’s not stay at home mums that I have a problem with, it is being one.  See? What is my problem with that?  I have only recently become a stay at home mum, and for the last year and a half I’ve really not had the time to sit still.  But I just don’t seem to have the chutzpah for this.  Despite being arse bustingly busy, I am bored.  I need something else to occupy my mind other than these kids.  Does that make sense?  I loved my job – for those who don’t know, I was a cop – and I really miss those hours where I could talk like an adult, talk about other people’s problems other than my own and occasionally get to smack someone  😉  But now what?  How do I silence those little voices at the back of my mind that say: Be all you can be Candy.  Why don’t those voices tell me that Motherhood is the best job in the world you could be doing right now, and that’s why you are here wiping poo off the walls?   It’s all for the greater good right?  Why isn’t this enough for me?  I don’t get it.  I can’t seem to stop myself from aspiring to things outside home, when I know there isn’t a snowflakes chance in hell I could schedule in any time for myself to do these things.  It is so damn frustrating.  I keep coming up with stuff I want to do, but can’t. How do I switch that off without feeling resentful? Right now the Husband is off at an interview, he wants to move around in his career and you know what; I am jealous.  Solutions to my problem won’t come as easily as one might think, I can’t just go and have time out while Husband watches the kids, while hard to organise around his roster – once I have the time where would I go? Not much to do around here. And every possible angle I’ve tried to come up with has been thwarted by something, if karma exists she is a bitch who I apparently pissed off big time.  It is ridiculous how much shite I’ve had thrown at me this year, literally. 😉 But enough is enough, I’m getting myself pissed just writing about it.   So there is it, that is why you haven’t heard much from me this month, as I don’t feel I have anything to talk about but the kids and lately that just pisses me off.  But I’m sure I’ll be back to it all soon enough, but for now… anyways…

So I ask of you Mum’s out there, who seemingly relish the at home mum role, how do you do it?  How do you not go completely insane? Sure sure its all part of motherhood you might say, and it IS the best job in the world – but nobody is paying into my super right now.

13 Comments

Filed under Changes, Rants & Stuff

13 Responses to What is my problem?

  1. rachael

    I am state level P&C rep, regional convenor and sit on few committees, I tell the kids that I do it to better their educational outcomes, and to a point I do, but I love the policy debates that I am able to be part of, yesterday I was in sydney at Board of Studies talking about the new national curriculum in history and what I said was valued, I am on DET working party looking at changes for delievery of support for additional needs kids at school, and what I said was valued, I love getting to go to Sydney for P&C state and exec meetings and while I work really hard and engage with what is happening I am fooling noone if I say it is just for my kids, it makes me a better mum to have those higher order thinking parts doing something, not just talking drivel at the swimming run, dance run etc etc.
    Find what you need to for your outlet, and I find that as mine is voluntary, if asd child has meltdown I cant go I dont feel guilty.
    my biggest fear is my respite mum is moving and I will just hate to give it all up.
    that is the bit that keeps me sane with husband working in bourke, two out of four kids asd and being ill myself
    good luck

  2. Lisa Abejja

    honestly mate I HEAR YOU!

    I will whisper this in case of someone getting pissed off but honestly. Motherhood is brainfreezingly BORING. yes I said it BORING! Day after day we wipe crap from butts, snot from noses, dust from the stuff we collect for some unknown reason around our homes and wash toilets.

    I am so bored some days I am sure If I listened I would hear my braincells fizzing out.

    That’s if I could have a few seconds of peace to actually HEAR anything!

    I have no worldly advice, no pat on the backs, no she’ll be rights for you. Just I tell you hold on tight and try not to fall off of this ride.

    Much love x

    • I’m sure I will upset people with my post. But it is my post and what is going on with me. Just me.
      And yes I am bored. I want something else to talk about. Trouble is I know that there are people out there, doing interesting stuff, stuff I used to do…. I WANT THAT.

  3. Lou

    I have to agree with Lisa, and I only have one under one! Today especially, I can’t think of anything to do to entertain myself or my child and I MISS READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hang in the Candy xxx

  4. Oh I so get that.

    I tried volunteering on school committees but my health just wouldn’t let me. So now I help out in the classroom where and when I can.

    Blogging helps big time. I’ve tried to take up cross stitch again but that is a bit hit and miss.
    Thank god for twitter and my internet home away from home the Unaboard. Without those I’d go nuts.

  5. Bec

    I have no adivce at all but couldn’t not reply to that post! There is no way I could be a full-time SAHM. For me I need the balance of part time work and home with the kids – I know I would go crazy if I was home with them full-time. I enjoy things like my train trip to work where I can read a book, and going to the toilet on my own…little things but they give me a break!
    So no help from me, but I hear ya!

  6. Jenn

    Candy there is no perfect situation – kids no kids; work no work; full time part time. All of it has joys and sorrows, good times and bad. There is no right and wrong – there is only what you have to cope with each minute of each day.

    It is just a case of grabbing what you can that is right for you in the moment. And remembering that nothing is forever and life will change. My absolute advice is to be selfish in grabbing some time to be you even if it costs money. You, hubby and the kids will all be better off it you do that – never worse off.

    Above all remember that NOONE (repeat out loud nofuckinganyfuckingone) has the right to judge or criticise what you do. Stay strong and keep your great sense of humour and sense of the ridiculous.

  7. Tracey

    I’m hearing you Candy loud & clear. I’ve ony been a SAHM for the past 5 months, previously I was a full time working mum for 7 years. I stopped working due to the increase in the child care centre fees. It became more than I was earning.

    I’m finding it very difficult being a SAHM. I miss the adult conversations, the breaks from the kids (the full day at work), going to the toilet on my own, eating gorwn-up food for lunch & even the peace & quiet of not hearing “Muuuummm” all day long. I don’t have any friends nearby that that have children, let alone young children. There are days when I feel that I just want to go back to work again so I can escape the kids. When I have those thoughts I also feel very guilty for thinking like that. DH & I NEVER have time to ourselves & I worry about that too. What’s a mum to do? We get criticism if we SAH & criticism if we go to work. All I can say is hang in there. Hopefully things get better (at least that’s what I keep saying to myself)

  8. Pingback: So, I am not alone then. « Candy's Family

  9. I 100% hear you.

    I want to be a great housewife and sahn… but I really hate the housewife part and I miss my old job.

    My solution was to start a regional online forum (http://huntervalleymums.com.au)… it brings in enough money to go out for a coffee once a week. It would bring in a lot more if I just focused on it… Instead I set my goals higher, to provided a platform for lots of other mums to create regional forums. So other sahms (like me and like you) can earn a bit of money running an online forum.

    If this is the type of thing that any of your readers might be interested please:
    contact me at: admin@australianmums.com.au
    like: http://www.facebook.com/AustralianMums

    After the success of the first regional forum, I am in the process of kicking the Australian forum off the ground (hard work). I would love anybody who has 5 minutes to pop over and add a post or two:
    http://australianmums.com.au/forum

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