Things I’ve heard myself say…

I am not a cranky shouty mum. Really I’m not.  It’s just that by the end of the day with this many kids, if you aren’t begging/pleading/threatening by then you are shouting the first thing you think of.  My mouth operates before my brain does a LOT.  On occasion after I’ve made a ‘request’ to the kids to stop doing whatever it is they are doing at the time, I have replayed what I said through my mind I realised – OMFG how crazy must my neighbours think I am, with this kind of insanity being hollered about the place.  Thank god they know us well enough to forgive us.  I’ve been noting a few of my pearlers down for posterity, shits and giggles.

Don’t eat the mud!  Go and hose your brother will you?

If you don’t stop picking on your brother and sit on your hands now I will rip your arms off and beat you with the stumps. (I was trying to drive through Sydney traffic, with six kids who had been travelling for a whole day – yes I was ready to kill).

Why are you eating while sitting on the toilet?! When have you ever seen anyone else eating on the toilet?  But daddy….. Shut up and give me that.

(While changing a nappy) Stop resisting! (What am I doing, arresting the kid?)

Don’t sticky tape your doodle to the toilet seat!  (toilet training isn’t going well)

You can’t warm up your lunch in the dishwasher?

I don’t poop in your bed! (a very hideous tale that one)

Stop mowing your sister’s head! (with toy mower)

If mummy has to come in there she’ll be wearing her ANGRY pants! (I have a pair in every colour)

Well if you hit your head with that it will hurt. (Yeah I’m clever, I can state the obvious)

If you lay down of course they will attack you! (referring to husband trying to couch dwell while children are conscious).

Put down the guns and go clean your teeth.  (Toy guns, really!)

Who painted the baby?!

I don’t care how many times you throw it on the floor you are still eating it!!! (soon followed with) And if you make yourself vomit I will serve that back to you in a bowl, either way you are eating that!

The pretty smelly thing in the toilet is not for eating!

Nudity belongs INSIDE the house please.

And every now and then I find myself ripping off this one my grandfather used to say: Bet it was lovely when you didn’t do it!

And this just scrapes the surface really, you see what children do to people?  I really am a functioning normal person who really (really) does have some level of intelligence about me, somewhere about me, but I think I left it in my other pants – my cranky pants. 😉


Filed under Rants & Stuff

13 Responses to Things I’ve heard myself say…

  1. why do they sound familiar to me?

    Oh that might be with my house of 5 kids I find myself saying them types of things too !! I’ll have to remember the cranky pants one 😉

  2. Danni

    Oh Candy you are one funny woman… I just love your funny tales.
    Thank you for the laugh.

  3. Leila

    Oh my now that i can see my screen again through the tears of laughter in my eyes… i’m sure i’ve said similar thing in my house to my 4 (well 3 the 4th is only 3months atm)

  4. Oh my, that was too funny and all too familiar. We sound *so* alike….

  5. Did you find out who painted the baby? I would love to know the answer to that one.

  6. ROFL

    I screamed out the back door to Annie yesterday “Stop stealing your sisters pants while she is wearing them”

    then had that pause where I realised
    – did I just say that
    – outloud
    – in public


  7. Nat

    I have used the “stop resisting” before and ive got no cop training.

    My effort from yesterday:

    We dont brush our penis. That brush is for your hair.

    Sadly Ted is only 18 months so I have many more to come.

  8. That’s the BEST thing I’ve read so far this year! Thank you!

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