Dear Husband…

Dear, Dearest Husband,
I am writing this to you so that when it comes to my committal hearing there will be a paper trail. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Dear Husband.  I am tired.  More than tired, completely and utterly exhausted. 
I would love to think that you are unaware of this fact, but I know you are, and have been for some years now. Dear Husband. The novelty has worn off the “I just don’t hear the kids” excuse, and shine has really come off the “but you’re the one with breasts” excuse too.  And I’m sorry the “I’ve worked hard all day” excuse isn’t going to wash either, dear Husband. You forget until last year I did the same job, yeah you ain’t fooling anyone with that line. Hard work, pfffft.

So here’s the deal, dear Husband. 
One day very soon I plan on going to sleep, and yes it will be for the whole day.
And here is what I expect from you dear Husband.

  1. You will not make it so that at least half of the children are crying at the same time.
  2. You will not spend the day telling the children “Shut up you’ll wake your mother”.  As that is all I will hear.
  3. You will not come and wake me to cook certain foods because “The kids only eat it when you cook it”
  4. Nor do I want to be woken for meals. I shall be taking to bed with supplies of chocolate.
  5. You will answer the children when they speak to you. If they have to say your name more than three times they will come looking for me. This is not acceptable.
  6. You are to remain awake for the whole day. I appreciate that you have an outstanding talent for falling asleep anywhere anytime, despite having had oodles of sleep.  But I will not be able to relax wondering if you’ve parked your carcass on the couch to snooze in front of the telly. I will be checking the couch for ass dents on waking.
  7. I don’t want to get up and have to feed and change all the children or find them in the same outfits they got up in. 
  8. Nor do I want to find the house a mess or things (especially my things) broken, the lame ass and often used “I was only out of the room for a second” excuse will not wash.

These are my demands Dear Husband – consider yourself lucky there are not more – I could expect you to do everything that I have to do in a day.  All you need to do is keep the kids alive and keep them clean, I don’t think I’m asking for much.  All these kids were your idea I recall.

…… end rant…..

17 Comments

Filed under Husbands, Rants & Stuff

17 Responses to Dear Husband…

  1. Go Candy!
    You have my full support!
    (Ange-Loup on twitter)

  2. Lisa Abejja

    And fairy’s will come knocking with little bows in their hair and piles of gold to hand to you 😛

    Nice dream though Candy. If by some freak of nature you are able to get this to happen let me know how you managed to pull it off please 🙂

  3. So there, so very very there.

    I spent an hour with our relationship counselor recently with me in tears of exhaustion talking about how hard it is for my husband to supervise the children, even for an hour on his own. His idea of childcare is to turn the XBox on and start playing. They are expected to sit there and watch him play :: roll eyes ::

    Now if I need a rest he has to take them out of the house, go visit his family – who will help him with the girls, or go to the park or something. But even that is too hard for him.

    So I’ve decided to find extra time for sleep by ditching other activities, so no more sex because that time could be better used for sleeping. 😀

  4. Hi Candy, Thanks for visiting my fledgling blog. I’m glad I reciprocated as I got more than a few ‘knowing’ chuckles out of yours. I’ll be back to check out your archives soon.

  5. I empathise! Having my husband look after the toddler once a month while I go to work did wonders for his appreciation levels and co-parenting when we are both home together. We now trade off weekend days for sleep ins. Major upside when the toddler spends the morning with him she doesn’t want anything to do with me for the rest of the day – more me time!

    I hope you get some decent sleeping/relaxation time soon.

  6. Ali

    Just thought Id check in and say how much I love reading your posts. Oh what I would do to sleep the day away!!!
    I hope you get your day in bed soon!

  7. Still waiting for that elusive day off to get some rest…. 🙁
    I fear it will never happen.
    May have to divorce everyone in the interests of sleeping for a year.
    Don’t worry kids mummy will come back she just need to hibernate for a while.

  8. I just want to say this is great. I hope you get your well deserved rest soon.

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