Henry’s Diary – a day in the life of a two year old terror.

Dear Diary,

It’s 5am – time to put a call out to Mum for breakfast, how can I be expected to implement my plans of world domination without a full stomach? While I’m waiting for sustenance I might strip off, that way Mum can dress me in my best lounge wear. Oh wait *looks down* I’m already naked, having got undressed not long after I was put to bed, how forward thinking of me.  And gee I’m a good kid, I saved on nappies for her by peeing on the mattress, it is surprisingly absorbent.

5.15am – Mum still hasn’t arrived with breakfast. Come on woman I’m naked and hungry here. I ask my baby brother Austin to assist me in getting Mum’s attention, he doesn’t comply, a toy lobbed into Austin’s cot soon has him calling for Mum. That ought to do it.

5.30am – It seems I have upset Mum. Can’t work out why? Look at all I’ve done for her so far this morning. At least I am out of the cot and dressed.

8am – I have no idea what Mum’s problem is. Maybe she’s tired, if she didn’t spend half her night up playing with the baby then she wouldn’t be so tired.  Afterall I’ve been a big help this morning, for instance I helped her with the school lunches by going through a making sure they had everything in them after she had put them together. I made sure everyone got up at the same time by going in and jumping on them, as I think that adds to the efficiency of the morning by having to deal with everyone at the same time.  Might see if my sisters need help with brushing their teeth and doing their hair for school.

8.15am – Women! There is no pleasing them. I tried to help my sister Lucy do her hair and she hit me with the hairbrush. And I had no luck with Georgie either, it’s not my fault the toothbrush end up in her ear, she just had to stand still and not squeal so much.

8.30am – I love the car! While Mummy is strapping the babies into their seats I better hop into the front seat and make sure that every switch is working, especially the horn. If the car is to one day carry me forth in my quest for world domination I must make sure everything works.

8.40am – We are on the road. I notice that Mum is not using the horn as much as I think she probably should be, so I escape from my car seat and flip over to the front seat to help her out. I must have startled her a bit as I don’t think the car is supposed to swerve like that?  I am starting to think that Mum is not going to be very helpful to my plans, especially with an attitude like that. May have to look  at moving my car seat to the front of the vehicle so I can copilot more effectively, I can’t reach the switches and things from the backseat.  And how will she know the directions to where my many factions of supporters are to hide out, if I am to be driven around as if I am being chauffeured.  I am a hands on overlord of the new world. Henry’s world.  Might call it Henrytopia?

9am – Preschool time. I have decided that when my reign begins the women that run this show will be first on my list of helpful minions. I now know I have them convinced that I am an adorable sweet human being that can do no wrong, I even have them patting me to sleep for my midday siesta, now that’s dedication to the cause if I’d ever seen it!  May have to enlist them in retraining my mother into subservience, these women know how to treat a kid!  Not that mother of mine, you know just last week she wouldn’t let me take her mobile phone to bed with me, now how am I supposed to twitter up contacts on the other side of the world I ask you?

3pm – Great Mum is here to collect me. Excellent as I had scheduled a meeting at the home base with my siblings to discuss my plans.

3.30pm – Meeting time. Negotiations between parties has failed.  Taiwanese parliament could take a leaf out of my book for rumbles at meetings. People listen more when you are pulling their hair. Try it out, I’m sure you will see that you have their complete attention.  Despite the communication breakdown I believe that I got my message across, and that is that I am the undisputed leader of this pack and it is best that they declare they are my minions now before the world is enveloped in my mighty wrath. 

4.30pm – I better help Mum cook, who knows what she may come up with on her own. She is going to need the sharpest knife in the drawer,  now where did I put that…

5.30pm – This isn’t what I wanted Mum to cook for dinner at all!  I swear she doesn’t understand me at all, I said I wanted “maccarcar che pe”, you know the noodles with cheese sauce on them, I think I was pretty clear.  And what is this green crap on my plate, is it supposed to be food?

6.30pm – How undignified!  Do you know what that woman has just put me through? A bath. A bath with my sister and brother in there as well.  I tried to make the best of it.  I helped Mum with the washing of their hair by tipping a bucket full of water over their heads in preparation for the shampoo. Is it my fault if they jump around like a cat in the bath when I do that? Oh and then Austin decided to pee in the bath, that is so not cool, I know I’ve done it myself but I don’t stand up and do it. I do it by stealth.

7pm – I wanted to watch some current affairs this evening, but Mum seems to think that I want to watch the Simpsons. Although I will admit I have learnt a lot from Monty Burns, he is excellent.

7.30pm – Time for bed, better brush my teeth and moisturise.  That really nice looking pot of creme in Mummies en suite ought to do it, I wonder how much I need? About two handfuls should be enough I think.

7.35pm – Mummy doesn’t appreciate a man’s desire, nay need, to moisturise.  She has just wiped it all from my face, hands, legs and shirt.  I had a nice even coating going on there too. I might be two, but I have the skin of a one and half-year old.

7.40pm – Bed time. Mum has dressed me in one piece pyjama’s. Really woman have you no taste? There will come a time when my minions will come for me and THIS is what I’ll be wearing. Best strip off in case.  Goodnight.


Filed under The Kids

4 Responses to Henry’s Diary – a day in the life of a two year old terror.

  1. Dear Young Overlord,

    I do most sincerely hope that your family come to their senses soon and start to support your demands fully.

    Please advise in I can be of assistance in future world domination endeavors.

    Your most humble minion.

  2. I, for one, welcome our new Dark Overlord.

    Can’t wait to read the book detailing his meteoric rise to power.

    (Seriously, there’s a book there).

  3. Leanne Sutton

    You obviously have way too much time on your hands so you should have another baby !

  4. I love this, he sounds like a formidabile toddler {and is so cute!}.

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